take me as i am

I have refrained from posting an update about my recent foray into dating out of concern of sabotaging my efforts. Now that I am no longer pursuing these two individuals, I feel like I'm at liberty to share more.

When I last blogged about my interest in dating again, I expressed a great amount of ambivalence about how to go forward. When do I disclose my cancer history? And if so, how much do I share at first? Do I tell her about my blog? And what do I say when asked about the "gap" of time between my diagnosis and now? What about the fact that I haven't found stable employment yet? All these questions were swirling in my head then causing quite a bit of unease and self-doubt. Almost nine months had passed since my last relationship. My ex-girlfriend and I met as a result of cancer, so the disease wasn't an issue for us. However, now that I'm interested in meeting new people once again, I've felt confronted with issues that I didn't have to think about previously.

After posting my concerns, I listened to your generous thoughts as well as those of others. People offered different answers. Some suggested I be cautious while others said be upfront. Naturally, I turned to my therapist too. In his customary Zen-like manner, he helped me to analyze the situation with refreshed eyes and recognize that my self-doubt was unwarranted. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, he reiterated. Yes, I had cancer, but it was nothing to run away from or try to cover up due to some misplaced sense of shame. No crime had been committed. No offense was done. I, like so many others, was simply the unsuspecting winner of a random, biological lottery in which my cells went rogue. By no fault of my own, my number had been drawn in this unwelcome drawing and I gained lifelong membership into a community that no one would ever want to join.

My ambivalence about disclosure seemed very odd to me, since I'm so transparent about my cancer experience on this site and elsewhere. But he pointed out that, yes, I have been very open about cancer with those in familiar circles, such with family and friends, my blog readers, the cancer advocacy community, and the hospital community. However, when it comes to meeting and befriending new people who know nothing about me, I've been more selective about what I do or do not share.

Worried about how women would receive my cancer history, I viewed it as some kind of albatross. Part of me felt inadequate. Somewhat incomplete. Of course, this was ridiculous, because I knew in my core that these sentiments were far from the truth. But the self-doubt was there. By absolutely no means did my diagnosis lessen my worthiness or value as a human being, my therapist reminded me. There's nothing that I should feel ashamed of or doubt. In fact, I have so much to be proud of, he went on to say. Just think of what I've been able to accomplish in and out of treatment since my diagnosis five years ago. This rugged, indomitable resolve is a testament to an enduring and pliable spirit that should be celebrated not trivialized.

Each of us has tremendous power. It is the power of the attitude behind each choice. Unfortunately, many times I like so many others have forgotten the awesome transformative potential that rests with how we go about making each decision: to look forward with courage and an open heart or to remain protective of ourselves, fearful that openness will lead to pain and disappointment.

A very wise man, a long time ago, once said:

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.

I can welcome and embrace these new situations with confidence and openness or shy away from them due to unsubstantiated worries of inadequacy or embarrassment. And again, based on what should I feel inadequate or embarrassed? Negativity and pessimism come so easily it seems. Very little effort is needed to spur them on. Once these self-absorbing fixations start, an endless spiral of doubt and unease can ensue. Optimism and hope, on the other hand, are far more difficult to engender. Work is necessary for these two to grow deep roots.

Reassured and relaxed, I decided to go ahead, ask the person out, and see what happened. And if she wasn't interested, no big deal. This was a first step not a marriage proposal. I was just getting my feet wet. The important thing is that I was doing something healthy and worthwhile. I was reentering the game and moving on with my life.

To my delight, she said yes. We went out twice, but after the second date she failed to return my calls. I enjoyed our time together, but suspected even after the first date that she wasn't digging me (at least in a romantic way). But again, I had a good time. Just the act of going out with someone new, learning about their interests and background, and pondering the possibility of something more was exciting and refreshing.

Now, before we went on our first date, she already knew about my blog and my cancer history. The topic of blogging and web design had come up in a previous conversation. She told me that she had a blog and I, of course, thought this was so cool seeing that we shared at least this interest. But I hesitated to tell her about my own worried about the questions that would follow, but most importantly that such a revelation would scare her away. So, I choked and said nothing. When I saw her again, we exchanged numbers with the intention of getting together at some point. Remembering that some friends had told me that nowadays it's not uncommon for a woman to google the guy's name in search of background information before a date, I felt like it was quite probable that my cancer past would soon come to light. There was no point dodging any longer. So, I went ahead and told her about my site and what it's about. The fact that she didn't look aghast or run away I took to be a positive sign. She asked me about 2 or 3 follow-up questions and that was it. Cancer never came up again.

After sharing this news with her, I felt greatly relieved. The feeling was liberating. The anxiety and ambivalence about whether to disclose or not to had been lifted and now it was out there and out of my hands. If cancer didn't scare her and she remained interested, terrific! But if it made her uncomfortable, then so what. Being myself - sincere and genuine - was the most important thing. If I wasn't at peace with myself, how could I possibly cultivate love for someone else? This experience encouraged me to not doubt my good heart. Ladies, take me as I am.

At the same time that I was pursuing this person, my eyes were also focused on someone else. I thought it best not to keep all my eggs in one basket. I had met this second woman before the first, but circumstances were such that I rarely saw her and had given up hope that I'd be in a situation where I'd see her more frequently. That changed of course. After a couple of weeks of seeing each other regularly, I decided to make my move. I asked her out, but her response was muted. Was she being polite? Who knows? I tried to play it cool and said perhaps another time. When I saw her again the following week, I talked to her with the usual enthusiasm and humor as if nothing had happened last time. She was responsive and seemed engaged, but when the decisive moment came for me to ask her for her number, I didn't. Following my impulse and a vibe that I was feeling, it didn't feel right and so, I backed down. But I felt OK with the decision. I had little energy to chase someone, who from the start didn't seem all too interested. I was striking fast and had little patience for mind games. I wasn't about to waste precious time fawning at someone's every move. I respect myself too much. I have no regrets.

Since then, I've been talking to a few more interesting people. But I'm continuing to go forward with courage and an open heart.

During a recent yoga session, the class was ordered to perform the Warrior I pose. As we were doing it, the instructor said something that resonated so deeply. It felt as if what she said was meant directly for me. To paraphrase: like this pose, we can be grounded and strong but also open and at ease. This is the true heart of a warrior moving forward with confidence and optimism. And like a warrior, I too can embrace that which might seem difficult.

I don't plan to post any new updates about dating right now. Sorry kids. . . .

day +554

This unusually harsh winter coupled with the feeling that I needed a break from my project has made for little output. But this all changed about three weeks ago. Since then, I've been out and about photographing quite intensely.

Sloan's Annual Patient Art Exhibition will take place in late April. The theme of the work that I want to showcase at the show will be the long exposure of traffic (streaks of light at night) near or crossing the Harlem River Bridges. As a consequence, most of the shoots that I've been on recently have had this aim in mind.

A few days ago, I experimented photographing the early dawn traffic zipping by the Macombs Dam Bridge, a lovely swing bridge which is one of the oldest bridges in New York City. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, so I returned to the site again (about a 25 minute walk from home) this morning at about 5:30. All was going well. It seemed like the shots I was taking were coming out much better than before. Then, suddenly I noticed in the murky distance the flickering red and blue lights of what I assumed had to be one of New York's Finest. I would be proven right. I ignored the lights not knowing where the vehicle was headed and continued shooting but quickly thereafter, the police car pulled up beside me. The officer driving the car asked what I was doing. I explained: "Photographing traffic streaks with the dawn sky behind me." He went on to say that someone had reported a person taking pictures of the bridge. This is NYC, of course, he went on to say. This kinda of stuff freaks people out. He asked for I.D. I gave him my driver's license, which he handed to his partner, who then began to copy down some indecipherable notes. I asked what the information was for. He said to show that they responded to the call. Basically, to cover their asses. I then asked jokingly, "I hope this isn't really related to the Patriot Act?" I don't know if I was successful at the humor here, however. He shook his head dismissing any such suspicion. I reiterated to him that I was a photographer, who was completing a project to capture the bridges and the waterfront. He said he understood. After the second officer completed copying whatever information he needed, he told me that if another police car comes over after they leave to just tell them that they already stopped and questioned me. I said OK, thanked them, and they went on their way. I continued to shoot for a bit longer before the morning glare became too intense and then, I returned home.

I wasn't really comfortable handing over my I.D. knowing that I didn't do anything wrong, but it was dark, bitterly cold and it was 6 in the morning. I just wanted to do what I was doing, finish, and leave. Thankfully, the cops were polite and cool. They were just doing their job. But really, how can I know what they told me is true? How do I know that my information is not circulating on some terrorist watch list now?

My story isn't unique amongst photographers. Some don't have any problems when questioned by the police, but others have a more trying experience. It depends a lot, I think, on the officer. In last week's NYT, there is an irritating story of a photographer, who was stopped and wrongfully arrested by the police, after taking photographs in the NYC Subway: No Photo Ban in Subways, Yet an Arrest.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but these post-9/11 fear tactics can get my blood boiling. I'm reminded of what President Obama stated in his inaugural address:

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils that we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man -- a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience sake.

Here, by the way, is one of the photographs that I snapped this morning.

Finally, late this afternoon en route to my barber, I stopped in nearby Franz Sigel Park to take a self-portrait. This is something that I had been meaning to do for sometime, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.

18 months out and a clean scan

I returned to Sloan this morning (day +552) with my mom for a checkup and to receive the results of my PET-CT scan from last week. It was Dr. C-M's turn on the transplant ward, so I saw Dr. Barker. My blood counts remain robust, which is good news. Another bit of promising news is that she decided to begin the tapering of my Tacrolimus dosage by reducing it from 1.25mg to 1mg and also reduce the Magnesium supplements (used to replenish the Magnesium lost as a result of the Tacrolimus) from 3 pills three times daily to 3 pills twice daily. My Tacrolimus dosage hadn't changed since the summer when it was bumped up due to the manifestation of GVHD and this is the first time ever that the Magnesium has been reduced.

The ultimate goal is to get me off the Tacrolimus completely (not to the mention the 7 other daily medications), but it's a tricky process. The longer my dosage remains at an elevated level, the greater the risk for relapse. At the same time, reducing it too quickly might upset the T-cells and worsen the GVHD. So, there's this delicate balancing act which the doctors themselves are fine-tuning gently. Caution is key (which is why I was told to look out for any adverse changes as a result of the lower Tacrolimus dosage).

I told her (as I did Dr. C-M and the staff) that my right foot has the irritating habit of clamping up at times. At a previous appointment, Dr. C-M told me that it's neuropathy and like him, Dr. Barker said that it should improve as the Tacrolimus is reduced. However, whether the neuropathy improves to a point where it's completely gone or it remains there but better is up in the air. We'll just have to wait and see. I'd be really disappointed if the numbness continues after I'm weaned off the immunosuppressive. I'm an avid walker and a lifelong case of neuropathy might upset this joy as well as some of my ambitious hiking plans, like the one that got scuttled for Glacier National Park last summer. I haven't spent a lot of mental energy thinking about this possibility as the condition has been tolerable and it is just too early to know the outcome, but a bit of concern is there. But hey, I'm alive and when I asked Dr. Barker for checkup on my current post-transplant status, she said "I'm coasting." What more is there to want?

With regards to the subject that I imagine everyone is most interested in, the PET-CT scan is clean. NED, baby! Sunday, February 21st marked 18 months since my transplant and as Dr. Barker said all continues to go very well. My next scan, she said, won't be for another 6 months (at the second year anniversary in August) and afterwards most likely, scans will be administered on a yearly basis. I see my doctor for my next checkup in 6 weeks.

My 29th birthday is approaching rapidly. I couldn't have received a better present than the news that I heard today. These past 18 months have put my mettle to the test and despite the many ups and downs, I feel hopeful that eventhough my future is far from clear that things are looking up.

Mindful of my many friends, who weren't able to celebrate a similar milestone in their journeys, I feel an extreme degree of humility and thankfulness looking forward.

guide to marrow/cord blood transplants

Searching for a new resource to review for a future issue of Bridges, recently I watched the National Marrow Donor Program's DVD: Words of Experience. Stories of Hope. A Guide to Marrow and Cord Blood Transplants for Patients and Caregivers.

For patients and/or caregivers new to the transplant process (both autologous and allogeneic), this free DVD offers a very good overview of what one might expect. The program is organized into the following topics: preparation for transplant, transplant team, conditioning, transplant, engraftment, early recovery, and long-term recovery.

Click here to learn more and/or order a free copy of this DVD. Also don't forget to check out the other resources offered by the NMDP.

pretty frightening!

Tuesday's NYT article about the scary challenges of the uninsured young adult population in the United States is pretty frightening: For Uninsured Young Adults, Do-It-Yourself Health Care. Read the comments left by readers as well.

Cancer.net offers a vast amount of information for young adult survivors as well as the larger survivor population. With regards to the costs of cancer care, check this out.

day +546

I stopped by my cardiologist's office this morning for a follow-up lipid test to get my cholesterol measured. Before seeing him about two weeks ago, I hadn't seen him for almost two years. Everything looks great, he told me, at the appointment. Today's lipid test was done just to make sure this important part of my cardiovascular health isn't overlooked.

Early tomorrow morning I'm scheduled to have my next imaging scan, which is six months since my last one, the one year scan in August.

heartening news

Last week's lecture about the Harlem River Valley was great. Using PowerPoint, Dr. Horenstein gave a very informative and entertaining overview of the geology and history of the river. Anticipating the answer, I asked if there are any known books that highlight the history of the Harlem waterway and/or its bridges. Besides The Bridges of New York, which is well-detailed but dated, there isn't anything else, he responded. Like when he prefaced his presentation, he told us that the river is begging for people to get involved. It's rich in so many different ways.

Then, a few days later, I stumbled upon a heartening article about a photographer, who completed a 10-month project capturing the Hudson River that became a book.

2009 presidential survey

On this President's Day, there's a new Historians Presidential Leadership Survery by C-SPAN.

Lincoln still leads the pack. As one historian said, it's always the same holy trinity at the top (Lincoln, Washington, FDR) and the same hopeless souls at the bottom (Pierce, A. Johnson, Buchanan).

the diesel and the jabbawockee

I actually missed the NBA All-Star Game last night, but from the highlights it looked like it was a pretty good contest. Shaq's dancing with the Jabbawockee, I thought, was great. Awesome choreography!

cancer warrior princess

The Huffington Post made a great blurb about Hillary, a fellow Hodgkin's and transplant survivor, recently. Kudos! I'm sure her openness and wit about her cancer experience will inspire others as they press forward through their own journeys.

Check out The Huffington Post's piece here.

a prizefighter has fallen

Fellow Hodgkin's survivor, Tyler Chambers, passed away suddenly on February 7th. Like me, he had relapsed twice and had two transplants.

Wishing his family and friends strength and peace during this unimaginably difficult time.

in the news

Job Losses Pose a Threat to Stability Worldwide

In Japan's Stagnant Decade, Cautionary Tales for America

Big Ideas, Grand Plans, Modest Budgets

Ethanol, Just Recently a Savior, Is Struggling

That's What You Call Investing for the Long Term

Russian and U.S. Satellites Collide

The Taco Joint That Loves Ernest Borgnine

hodgkin lymphoma teleconference

CancerCare with the support of the CDC and the Lymphoma Research Foundation will host an education telephone workshop titled Hodgkin Lymphoma: Understanding Biology, Treatment and Survivorship on April 17th. Learn more and/or register here.

feeling much better

After a few days of feeling quite ill, today is the first time that I've logged on to my computer since Friday.

I went out for Chinese food - something which I haven't eaten for sometime - on Friday evening and everything went down hill from there beginning the next morning. The vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain soon followed and continued throughout the weekend.

After some but not enough improvement on Monday morning, my mom and I went to Sloan to get it looked at. After labs and a few tests were taken just to make sure nothing else was going on (since I have no spleen), it was determined that most likely I had had a case of viral gastroenteritis.

Though I'm 17 months post-transplant, I still must be careful when eating out. Friday night was a reminder . . . a painful reminder. It is cool though to see how my (donor's) immune system, even though immunosuppressed, bounced back. Thank goodness!

I feel significantly better today though fatigued and weak. I probably lost a pound or two since I wasn't able to eat for a little over two days. Nevertheless, I still plan to attend tonight's lecture, The Harlem River Valley: Its Geohistory, at Morris-Jumel Mansion in Washington Heights. I've been looking forward to this talk for awhile.

cancer scholarships

BMT InfoNet composed a list of organizations that offer scholarships to people, who have had cancer, and to the siblings of survivors. Check it out.

a year of celebrations

Galileo isn't the only one having a party this year. Here in NYC, the English navigator, Henry Hudson, who explored the mighty river that bears his name as well as the Grand Concourse, the Champs-Élysées inspired thoroughfare of the Bronx, are being celebrated with a host of different events and programs.

Last week Mayor Bloomberg and his Dutch counterpart launched NY400, a yearlong celebration of Hudson's "discovery" of this great North American waterway.



The Bronx Museum of the Arts has set up an international competition to highlight the centennial anniversary of the Grand Concourse. Artists, writers, architects, designers, and local residents are asked to submit representations and observations of its past and present as well as visions of its future.