Tuesday, January 16, 2007

trouble sleeping

I'm up watching the X-Files on TNT. I have been up for about an hour now as the clock approaches 2:36 am.

I have had an unusually difficult time sleeping tonight as my mind has been occupied with thoughts related to my appointment later today with Drs. Decter and Coleman. As I reclined in bed trying to sleep, thoughts and questions concerning the status of my health and the next steps of my treatment circulated. What will Drs. Decter and Coleman tell me I wondered? Will they agree that an allogeneic mini-transplant is my best chance? And what is this chance that I speak of? What's the probability that I'd survive the treatment and be cured? Is it worth it? The short-term and long-term effects of an allogeneic transplant can be harsh and daunting. It may take a year to recover. With no guarantee of a cure, is it worth it?

I need to ask these and other questions to Schuster too, of course. I, however, haven't spoken to him since the day prior to my surgery. I called his office on Thursday as he had instructed me and then, again on Friday but he didn't call me back. So, I'll try again Tuesday.

Today I did practically nothing. I wasn't productive at all, which irritated me throughout the day and which I think contributed to my unsettled mind tonight. A feeling of sluggishness and unaccomplishment. Watching "24" tonight was the only satisfying thing that I did all day. Although I have school work to do, I've avoided it. Being home isn't the best environment for focusing on academic work, which I think explains why I'm itching to return to Chicago now that I'm feeling better.

Children of Men, by the way, was intense. Very intense. Su and I did catch it Sunday. It's a visually riveting film that's a gem to watch. We both had some questions about the film's basic premise that world-wide inferility would lead somehow to nuclear war and the collapse of order. That we both questioned, but otherwise I enjoyed it a lot. Michael Caine is wonderful in the film as well.

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