Wednesday, August 09, 2006

pet-ct scan today

This morning I returned to Weill Cornell for a PET-CT scan, my first since April. It was about that time. I'm supposed to receiving follow-up imaging scans about every three months for the next 5 years. As I mentioned in a post some time back, I have been a bit concerned about the PET-CT scan this time. About 6 months have passed since I left the hospital after my transplant and although there's no credible reason why I should feel worried, I am worried. I have spoken to Dr. Roberts at length about this concern of mine.

Several weeks ago, Su offered to accompany me to the hospital the day of my scan, but I declined her generous offer. Generally, when I take scans I go alone more so because the appointment itself is about 3 hours long and it's a very simple process that I'm all too familiar with. But as I mused over the scan and its possible implications yesterday afternoon, I decided that I might actually prefer to have Su there. So, I asked her if she was able to make it and she gladly accepted. Thus, she was there with me this morning.

On Monday, I'll see Schuster for the results of the scan. Honestly, part of me feared that all the revelry and celebration on the transplant cruise this past weekend was premature. What a nightmare it would be, I thought, if after being inspired so many transplant survivors and celebrating like I had climbed the highest mountain, that I received word only a couple of days later that the cancer returned. Personally, I felt that I was setting myself up for a huge, incalculable blow. Why couldn't the cruise wait until after my appointment with Schuster? Why did it have to be now?

I don't want to worry anyone. The scan doesn't terrify me. It's not as if I'm unable to sleep or concentrate, but I would be lying if I said that the yet unknown results of the scan do not cross my mind from time to time. And of course, the greatest fear has been not so much the scan itself, which I find to be the easiest part, or the actual results, but what lies afterwards if the results are not what I would like. I've been down that road far too many times. I don't want to return there again.

So for me, Monday will not be like any other Monday. It's shaping up to be a big day, a very big day (or at least that's what I'm making it out to be).

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