Thursday, July 13, 2006

anxiety about 6 month scan

I'm supposed to call back Dr. Schuster's office late next week in order to schedule my upcoming PET-CT scan at the hospital. As I mentioned to my therapist on Wednesday, in thinking about making that appointment I've begun to worry a bit about the what the imaging scan might reveal. I hadn't really thought much about the scan or all the possible horror scenarios that could ensue until I checked my calendar and remembered that I needed to call Schuster's office soon for my next scan. I'm scheduled to see Schuster on August 14th for my regular check-up at which time, he'll disclose the results of this scan which will be taken during the previous week most likely. It will have been six months since I was discharged from the hospital and completed my transplant.

I wasn't as concerned or worried about my first PET-CT since the transplant because only three months had passed. I figured that the odds of cancer returning within three months was so remote that I would only be worrying myself for no credible reason. The chance of a recurrence seemed very remote. But now that almost three more months have passed, I'm not quite as sure of myself as I was before. Six months too is not a long period, but it's sure longer than three months. Who knows really? Only the scan can tell. As I explained to Dr. Roberts, I just fear having to undergo yet again (for the hat-trick aka third time) treatment and I know very well what that would entail. So much self-discovery and self-maturation has occurred during these past 5 months that I fear losing it all and having to return to a place in my life, where I just want to escape from for good.

My anxious feelings are natural, however. They're very common among cancer survivors, who must revisit the pain and uncertainity that these imaging tests can create. I just hope everything turns out well when I see Schuster in a few weeks. It would be SUCH a relief.

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