Friday, April 21, 2006

about joining match.com

About three weeks ago, I joined match.com. Sorry about the late news. I had meant to post this exciting news much earlier, but didn't get around to doing it until now. To be quite frank, I am quite surprised that I even did this considering how I felt not too long ago about dating. In my conversations with my therapists, it became apparent that I didn't feel ready nor motivated to date at all really. Even before my cancer diagnosis, I didn't make any effort to date. It just wasn't on my mind. I was busy with school and just life and didn't feel that I had the available time to date. I had plans, so many plans and a partner, I thought, would some how just get in the way.

But I can recall very well a moment at the dining table a few months before I began my treatment when I just broke down in part because I felt that I had lost the opportunity to experience and do many of the things that people do that comes with a rich and long lived life. Cancer, I felt, had robbed me of the chance to live a long, healthy life and its endless possibilities. I worried that I would never experience love, for example. More so, I regretted my lack of dating in the past. I haven't been on more than a handful of dates and felt the weight of this more than ever during that moment at the dining table. So when my therapist told me recently to imagine what it would be like to not be here, to not be alive, I thought of the absence of love and companionship in addition to other losses. I'm glad that he instructed me in this exercise, because it reminded me of what was at stake in the face of death, which we all face. Subsequently, I realized that it was foolish to think that in some future moment all my worries and concerns would be eradicated for once and for all and thereafter, I'd be able to move forward in my life worry free. The best way for me to meet and interact with people was to do so now. That's the best practice! In light of cancer and everything else, it is healthy for me to move forward and be active. So, that's what I decided to do.

Most of my friends are out of town working or in school and it's with them that I'd attempt to check out bars, clubs, or other social venues. Knowing my own shyness about dating, I thought joining an online service, such as match.com, would be a good first start. I know a few friends on match.com, who laud it and indeed, it's quite popular. So, that's what I did. Let's see what happens.

Again, I'm really surprised at myself that I'm even doing this. I'm still not sure if I'm really 100% behind it but despite my ambivalence, this is a healthy start and it's another sign that I'm trying to gain control of my life.

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